Dear Therapist,

Since learning about my husband’s past relationship with his best friend, I can’t seem to move past it. It feels like a wound that keeps reopening every time I see them together. I understand that this happened years before we met, and he assures me that those feelings are long gone, but the knowledge still lingers in my mind. The fact that his former lover lives next door, constantly within sight, makes it nearly impossible to put it behind me.

My husband has been supportive and understanding since I found out. He answered my questions honestly and explained that it was a confusing and painful time in his life. He was struggling after his divorce, seeking comfort and companionship. He insists that the relationship didn’t last long and that it ended when he realized he needed to focus on rebuilding his life independently. His friend’s feelings for him were stronger than his own, which is why he eventually asked him to move out. But despite his efforts to reassure me, I can’t help but feel threatened by their continued closeness.

My emotions have become a roller coaster. Some days, I feel like I can manage my feelings and understand that this is part of his past, something he moved on from long before he met me. But on other days, I am consumed by jealousy and doubt. I question whether my husband has truly let go of whatever bond they shared, even if he swears that there is nothing left but friendship.

To make things even harder, his friend is still very much a part of our lives. We see him regularly, whether it’s sharing a meal, borrowing tools, or simply chatting in the yard. Every encounter feels like a reminder of what happened, and I find myself scrutinizing their interactions, looking for any sign that there is more between them than what I’m being told. I feel ashamed admitting this, but there are times I wish his friend would just move away so I could have peace of mind.

I haven’t spoken to anyone else about this. I’m too embarrassed to share these feelings with friends or family, fearing they might judge my husband or see him differently. And deep down, I know that it’s unfair to hold his past against him, especially since he has been honest and hasn’t given me any reason to doubt his commitment to me. Yet, I can’t shake this lingering sense of betrayal, as though I walked into a situation I didn’t fully understand when I said “I do.”

I love my husband dearly, and I don’t want this to come between us. But I’m struggling to figure out how to let go of this hurt and rebuild my sense of trust and security. How can I move forward when I’m reminded daily of a part of his life that makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure? How do I reconcile the image I had of our relationship with this new understanding of his past?